MaY 19, 2025

Amusement Park Scandal

You know those amusement park rides, where you travel through a dark tunnel in a carriage, then lights start flashing and all kinds of characters come lurching out of the scenery, gesticulating wildly, and shouting out all kinds of violent threats?

You’re supposed to be concentrating on all the action directly ahead of the carriage, but the last time I rode one I took a casual glance behind me, and what I witnessed was absolutely shocking!

As soon as my carriage passed, the actors immediately dropped the act, shuffled back to their parking bays, and waited for the next batch of wide-eyed suckers.

I thought I was living an adventure—turns out, I was just another disposable protagonist in their never-ending charade.

MaY 19, 2025

Downsize Me

I walked into McDonald’s and ordered one Chicken McNugget.

Then I asked them to downsize it—just trim it down a little, because I wasn’t all that hungry.

They kicked me out.

Honestly, customer service has really taken a dive in this country.

MaY 19, 2025

You Are Here ->

You know those public maps with a red dot and the words “You Are Here”? I always found them strangely reassuring—like, ah yes, I do exist, confirmed by a sticker.

So I had a genius idea: I printed ten thousand of them and started sticking them everywhere—on doors, lamp posts, even strangers’ backpacks. Just a little existential affirmation for anyone wandering aimlessly.

One day, a cop caught me in the act. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” he shouted.

I said, “Providing a valuable community service! Helping people who don’t know where they are.”

He narrowed his eyes. “And how do you know if they work?”

I said, “Okay, where are you right now?”

“I’m right here.”

I peeled off a sticker, stuck it to his chest, and said, “Exactly.”

March 21, 2025

Putting Off Putting it Off

I was planning on procrastinating tomorrow, but decided to put it off until next Thursday.

February 17, 2025

My Life in Film

I’ve had every moment of my life recorded on video since the day I was born. Every laugh, every cry, every questionable haircut—it’s all there, immortalized on miles of video tape.

The other night, I thought, “Why not sit down and watch it all?” You know, relive the glory days and cringe at the awkward ones.

But here’s the kicker—I did the math, and it turns out I won’t live long enough to finish watching it. I’ve been outpaced by my own mortality.

So now I have two regrets: wasting all that time on video tape and not hiring a good editor to cut out the boring parts.

October 28, 2024

Of Pigeons and Flies

I’m constantly amazed at how fickle we humans can be. Take this for example—just the other day, I was at an outdoor café, enjoying a coffee and a sandwich.

Then along came this cute little pigeon. It waddled up to my table, tilting its head in that adorable, birdlike way, and stared at my sandwich like it was the Holy Grail of breadcrumbs.

I was overwhelmed by compassion. “Here,” I thought, “have a little crust.” I tossed it a piece, and off it went, happy as can be. I even felt a little proud, like I’d done something good for the world.

But not two minutes later, a fly landed on my table. And without thinking, some primal instinct overtook me—I snapped into action like a ninja, slapped it into oblivion, and carried on with my coffee like nothing happened.

Later, it hit me: I didn’t even consider the fly’s hopes and dreams. Didn’t pause to think, “Maybe this fly has a family waiting for it to bring home a crumb of bread.”

Nope. Just… instant death.

Humans are complicated, aren’t we? Or maybe just selectively compassionate.

January 16, 2021

Dream Leaver

The other night, I had the strangest dream—I was in someone else’s dream.

At first, I thought, “Wow, this is pretty cool. Am I like a guest star in the subconscious realm?” But then the guy whose dream I was crashing spotted me.

He wasn’t thrilled. In fact, he was furious. He pointed at me and said, “What are you doing here? This is MY dream!”

I tried to explain that I wasn’t sure how I got there and apologized for the intrusion, but he wasn’t having it. He threatened to call the dream police if I didn’t leave immediately.

Now, I’m not entirely sure what dream police do, but I wasn’t about to stick around to find out. So I did the responsible thing—I woke up.

I’d say lesson learned, but honestly, I didn’t even know dream trespassing was a thing.

April 30, 2019

Failed Business Model

Last year, I had what I thought was a groundbreaking idea for a home business. I started braiding hairpieces for cockroaches—using unwanted nasal hairs donated by generous individuals.

I figured, hey, it’s niche, it’s sustainable, and cockroaches deserve style too, right?

Well, it turns out there’s a fatal flaw in my business model: apparently, keeping pet cockroaches isn’t really a thing. And the few people who do keep them? They’re weirdly uninterested in giving their roaches custom hairpieces.

Who knew?! I mean, as trendy as cockroaches are, they have their limits!

November 22, 2015

Elevator Etiquette for Dummies

The other day, I was in an elevator, enjoying the usual awkward silence we all cherish, when suddenly, a stream of gibberish started pouring out of my mouth.

I froze. I hadn’t said any of it. I looked at the people around me. Then, there he was—a ventriloquist standing in the corner with his smirking little puppet, perched smugly on his arm.

And before I could process what was happening, the puppet turned to me and said, “Nice try, pal. But you’ll never make it in this game!”

Now I can’t decide what’s worse—being heckled by a puppet or realizing that the vexatious little creep was probably right.

November 10, 2014

My Pet Oyster

Most people don’t realize oysters can be house-trained. So naturally, I decided to try it out. I went to the pet shop, found the friendliest-looking oyster, and named him Snotty.

Snotty was no ordinary oyster. He was my little buddy. I made him a tiny mattress out of dried seaweed, and he slept right next to me on the bed. Every night before sleeping, I’d say, “Goodnight, Snotty,” and he’d respond by doing… well, absolutely nothing. But we had a connection, you know?

One morning, I woke up with a severely blocked nose. I couldn’t breathe, I was practically drowning in my own sinuses. Then I rolled over and—Snotty was gone.

So much for house-training oysters!